I am having a generally weird time. not bad, just weird.
I am going through a process of learning that God loves me as a father which is actually incredibly hard for me to accept. He seems to be taking me through a period of not wanting to “do” anything. He seems to be teaching me to just “be” and love myself just because of who I am as opposed to what I am. That is very hard for me. I am very performance orientated and have the (wrong) belief that I need to perform to make God love me and to show that I’m not a bad person and worthy of His love. He is basically destroying that which is great but incredibly painful and a bit scary as that belief is what I hold on to and so I’m pretty much losing that “security”. Also, God is taking away all the things that I am good at which I use to prove my worth to Him, these are things that He has given to me as gifts but I have no desire to do any of that stuff right now, I just can’t bring myself to do any of it, I feel there is no grace for it at all. All I can do is just “be” with God and allow Him to love me. It’s not a punishment though, not like they have been taken away from me to teach me a lesson or something like that but He has taken away the things i find my identity in so I can actually find my identity in being His precious daughter. I don’t feel depressed, just uncomfortable as this is deep heart work that He is doing and I know that I will be completely transformed but am not really enjoying the process Even though I actually asked Him for this, all I desire is to have an intimate relationship with Him and He is giving me that but is also overwhelming me with His love.
All the things that He has taken away will be restored and in a most amazing way, because when I have that intimacy, i will be able to hear God’s voice and actually go out and do things WITH HIM which will be so fun. I guess I’m just having a transformation time right now and all I can do is depend on Him which is actually the right way to be, just not the way I am used to at all.

I am having a generally weird time. not bad, just weird.
I am going through a process of learning that God loves me as a father which is actually incredibly hard for me to accept. He seems to be taking me through a period of not wanting to “do” anything. He seems to be teaching me […]

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I feel like I have fallen into a very deep pool of God’s love and I am drowning. Like a drowning person, I am struggling against it with everything in me because it is alien to me as I have never let God love me unconditionally before and I am afraid. I feel like whatever I do, whether […]

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God at  the moment has been blasting me with the love of a father, not suprising given all the conferences we’ve been havin about it.  But one of the main things that suprised me is finding that when I spend time just soaking in his presence and love and giving him the freedom to heal me and […]

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I came to God, to ask Him to teach me, and show me any error in my heart or mind, about holiness. What He taught me was totally unexpected, and really hit a deep place in my heart.  It began with God touching me, and my angry reaction.  I dont always react like that, but I […]

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 Over the last couple of weeks, I felt a dissatisfaction in my spirit and I couldn’t work out what it was. I also felt distant from God but couldn’t work out what was wrong as I had not made a decision to step away from God. He just felt suddenly far away although when I […]

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